On the trip home last weekend, while Teresa was driving, I typed up some notes on the frustrations of driving. The drive itself can actually be very pleasant…it’s other drivers that make it difficult. Therefore, I bring you my taxonomy of annoying drivers:
The Cruise Control driver - sets the cruise control once and will not slow down or speed up, no matter what. If their cruise control is set at .01 mph faster than yours, they will spend 10 minutes slowly passing you, refusing to tap on the gas just once to speed up the process.
The Really-Needs-to-Use-Cruise Control driver - The opposite problem. This person will pass you on every downhill and fall behind you on every uphill. They will also quickly appear in your rear-view mirror right up next to your rear bumper, but if you get over for them to pass you, will instantly slow down or perhaps get over with you and continue to ride your ass.
The Left-Lane-is-Mine driver - This is pretty self-explanatory, although it’s worth emphasizing that this kind of driver is not necessarily a fast or slow driver, they just refuse to move from the left lane no matter what.
The NASCAR-Wannabe - This driver likes to drive as fast and as recklessly as is possible, and it’s likely they have NASCAR window and bumper stickers all over their car. Even if you really aren’t trying to race them, they still pretend like you are, glaring at you and revving their engine as they pass you.
The Stalker - This person will find someone who is going a good speed for them and imprint on them like a duck for the rest of the trip. I don’t really mind this because I do it myself sometimes (it’s kind of unavoidable you’ll eventually find someone going the same speed as you, especially if you’re like me and are a “10 over rule” kind of driver), but I only don’t mind so long as the stalker in question does not insist on tailgating at the same time.
The Multitasking driver - This driver is not content to simply drive. Instead they insist on smoking a cigarette, singing along with the radio, talking on their cell phone, reaching for something in the backseat, eating a sandwich and swerving all over the road…all at once!
The Tunnel-Vision driver - This person doesn’t realize their car has mirrors. You can always verify this by looking at their rearview mirror and seeing that it is knocked so far out of position that they couldn’t possibly see out of if they wanted to. This person is, understandably, prone to cutting people off and also to being a “left-lane-is-mine” (or “right-lane-is-mine”) kind of driver as well.
Obviously, there are other types that exist, but require no explanation is needed beyond simply stating their name: the Speed Limit Driver, the Road Rage driver, the Staying-Inside-Lane-Markers-is-Optional driver, etc. What kind of driver am I, you ask? The Perfect Driver, of course.